Getting Beyond the Male Mask

Helping boys to open up about what they are feeling takes effort and education on the part of supervising adults. Step one is to recognize the early signs of masking feelings, such as bad grades, rowdy behavior, overly quiet behavior, verbal denials that anything is wrong when other behaviors say otherwise, drugs or alcohol, or becoming a perpetrator or victim of violence.

Step two is to take a low-key approach to male crises. Keep the voice calm, low, and fault neutral. Express interest in talking about it (the black eye, the discovered drugs, etc.).

Step three is to accept the boy’s emotional schedule. Boys have a need for silence and take longer to share feelings than girls do. The boy needs to set his own timed silence clock and cannot be rushed.

Step four is what Dr. William Pollack calls connection through action. When an adult does something along side of the boy — working or playing or hanging out — the boy may get to feel safe enough to share what’s really bothering him.

Step five is to share one’s own stories of challenge as it is appropriate and how one worked through it, emphasizing how one felt throughout the process. Dr. Pollack: “By discovering that, yes, we too have felt scared, embarrassed, or disappointed, the boy begins to feel less ashamed of his own vulnerable feelings. He feels our empathy and discovers that we understand, love, and respect the real boy in him.” [Real Boys, p. 8]