Non-hierarchical Marriage Practicalities
Earlier in the main session, Craig Keener told how he recently got married. He had been friends with an African woman who had to flee the violence in the Congo. They had delayed getting married because of a misunderstanding about “ministry.” She had said that she did not feel called to “ministry” – meaning being a clergyperson or missionary. Meanwhile, Craig said he did feel called to ministry. So they didn’t think they could be married. But Craig simply meant serving the church and the world by using one’s gifts – not necessarily being a pastor or missionary. After Craig received word that she had survived the violence in Congo, their relationship progressed and they have been married about three years.
In the workshop, Craig Keener invited discussion about what non-patriarchal marriage looks like “on the ground.” He said that it will likely be different depending on the gifts of the couple. Craig’s wife was attending the workshop. He said that he wrote his book Paul, Women and Wives while he was single and that he has been recently learning a lot more about wives and women! He said that when he had the president of CBE over for dinner he really felt embarrassed because his wife was cooking (and thus reinforcing traditional gender roles). “Perhaps I’ll get thrown out of CBE,” he said to himself, “but then again if I cook for her, I may be thrown out of CBE as well” (because of his terrible cooking)!
– Andy
I can relate to the cooking issue. My bf cannot cook. I pretty much refuse to let him in the kitchen if the stove is on. For us, it is not a case of reinforcing traditional roles, no matter what it looks like. FTR, I also do a few traditionally “male” jobs better than he does as well. The one better at what needs to be done does it, and that’s all.
Glad to see this blog!
What is the big deal with who does the cooking. My husband does cook once in awhile, but I do the major cooking. For thanksgiving, he is the one up early to put the turkey in, but I dare him to bake the pies (that is my job). He does the laundry at times and I do it when he doesn’t. I have almost forgotten how to sweep the floor because he always seems to do it. There are things he is better at doing so he does it and the same with me. So to us it is not a big deal who does what as long as it gets done. Although since he is retired and only works a few hours a week the most falls on him. I work more hours in retail, plus I have a book I’m writing and speaking to do so I do less house work. I am the one that gets on the roof to clean out the gutters, that’s because he is afraid of being high. We both wash and wax the car. It’s what works for the couple and it’s up to them to choose what jobs around the house that needs to be done.
I think Craig was talking tongue in cheek. When the couple agrees as to who does which household tasks, it’s a beautiful thing, and no one else should mess with it, either by direct criticism or by indirectness, such as by jokes. The interest and skills of husband and wife usually take care of most of the tasks, but there are almost always some tasks in the home that no one likes to do. For some families, it might be cleaning the bathroom, and for others it might be doing the dishes. Perhaps sharing those tasks will work for some people, or for others, hiring the task out might be appropriate and/or possible. Some onerous tasks can slide, at least for awhile, but other tasks, like paying bills, can’t wait no matter how we hate to do them.
It’s such a natural and beautiful thing when each spouse can provide leadership within the family depending on their skills and talents and desire to make the marriage work by getting the necessary tasks done. What a horrid thing it is when some outside group or power center tries to force some approved list of tasks on one gender or the other, running roughshod over the gifts and talents that God gave to them individually.
Of course the same thing is true of positions and tasks to be done in the church.