Happy One-Way Submission

I don’t believe there is much in the way of happy one-way submission in the world amongst couples. Christian hierarchicalists, if they get around to it, try to emphasize that Christian men are to lay down their lives for their wives, but heavens, never submit to them. On the rare occasion that he might actually do something that the wife might want that would severely affect his earning potential or make him uncomfortable or challenge his sensibilities or expand his experiences in areas he doesn’t like, if he does it willingly and out of a sense of love, what’s going to be her response? Very positive. Why? She’s getting an instance of her own desire, her own control, however fleeting. But what’s her response if he deigns to “allow” this exception to his leadership? Negative. Why? It’s just one more instance of the realization, that at least in the mind of the man, she is less in worth than he is. She is not really quite a full adult. She needs constant help in life that he doesn’t need.

So the part that makes her happy is really egalitarian, isn’t it? The two-way submission part. The part that makes her bristle is really patriarchal, isn’t it?

I see this bristling all the time in hierarchical marriages and certainly in the lives of church leader wives. Hierarchicalists have this golden glow image around the “holy” woman, who by definition is submissive in the face of one-way leadership. I’m telling you, its existance is extremely rare if it exists at all. Sure, outward appearances show that these “holy” women have made some accommodations in their marriages, and most of them don’t want public disruptions or the airing of dirty laundry. But you get to know them and they get to trust you, comments leak out around the edges. And if you get to know them extremely well, you may hear their stories about the one or two times when they had to put their foot down against some spiritually destructive thing or they had to stand up for their own mental well-being. And I’m talking about the wives of pastors and elders and deacons and life-long church members.

I’m telling you. I know this. I’ve spent my life around Christian patriarchicalists. Even if a patriarchal husband is extremely loving and giving to his wife, to the extent that he must force his way because he just has to “lead,” the wife will rankle. If neither force their way, then the marriage is basically equal. So why not teach the egalitarian position in the first place?