Leadership in Marriage and Church Related
Figuring out the direction of a marriage takes cooperation and grace, and when there is serious disagreement, the ability of both partners to listen and hear the other is of crucial importance. The argument that the male should always have the deciding vote if the disagreement is particularly difficult is the worst possible tactic at the worst possible moment. It’s when things really matter a whole lot to each person, and each one wants seemingly mutually exclusive approaches toward solving a problem that finding a way through the mess shows the true moral fiber and the quality of the married love of the couple. Putting one party at a disadvantage at these crucial marital moments can only be severely detrimental. In fact, empirical marriage data from marriage and family research consistently shows that the number one stumbling block in marriage is when the couple has trouble sharing leadership equally and/or when one of the two is dissatisfied with how the couple communicates.
It’s no wonder that evangelical families have among the highest divorce rates. The Barna Research Group has shown in a national study that 33 percent of born-again adult Christians have experienced a divorce, which is comparable to non-born-again adults. Agnostics and atheists had the lowest divorce rate at 21 percent. Barna believes that his results raise questions about how traditional churches minister to couples. So not only are churches screwing around with families by telling women they can’t use their leadership gifts above the glass ceiling in churches, they’re messing with the family unit itself to its severe detriment.
I’d like to add that I think churches need to pay a whole lot more attention to scientific studies of marriages and what makes them tick: what elements are important and work toward marital success, and what behaviors are stumbling blocks. Thanks to Dennis J. Preato, MDiv, for his insight into this in his article Empirical Data in Support of Egalitarian Marriages and a Fresh Perspective on Submission and Authority. In it, he examines the results from several marriage and family therapy studies, e.g., from the Department of Pastoral Psychology and Counseling at the Claremont School of Theology, from the Department of Sociology at Penn State, from the Department of Family Social Science at the University of Minnesota, from the School of Social Work and the Center for Family and Community Ministries at Baylor University, and from the Department of Sociology at the University of Washington. Basically, study after study show that equality in a marriage is good for the marriage, and that there are many times the amount of spouse abuse in traditional marriages than exist in egalitarian ones.
I think we need a lot more clarifying sociological studies like these; it certainly is a ripe area for further study. If modeling hierarchical behaviors in church oversight structures is bad for the body of Christ and bad for the marriage relationships within it, then we need to have the studies to prove it.